My muscles are very much on top of my mind as I’ve been working with a personal trainer lately. He somehow leads me to find muscles I never knew I had each week we work together. It’s amazing how much easier and more fun it was to gain weight and lose muscle function over fourteen months of Zoom events than it is now to return my body to physical form and fitness.

Having an expert with whom I hold myself accountable and who teaches me a safe way to work on my health and wellness goals is contributing immensely to my achieving gradual success milestones. He teaches me the proper form and procedures for using the equipment at a new fitness center near me, as well as coaching me through incremental changes to my dietary intake based on my reluctance to reduce the goodies I love and crave. We’ve got a ways to go on this journey. Yet I have not stuck to a routine like what I have committed to in these past few months since I was a honed, buff jock in college.

Good for me! Now, what do my muscles have to do with leading difficult conversations?

As with managing health and wellness goals, how thrilled are you about having difficult conversations with people? Yes, I know…some of you reading this really love working on health and wellness processes. I’m not one of them. I have to work at mindset and methods and doing so proves challenging for me almost daily. Some of my colleagues tell me, “You’ll get used to it and it will become ‘second nature’ for you to continue.” Bull!

I have coached and consulted with very few managers, executives, leaders, and even parents who love initiating and having difficult conversations. As organizations and leadership teams negotiate the process of bringing people into the workplace after the worldwide Covid-19 pandemic disruption, more and more leaders are having to address their staff’s emotional needs along with the performance and productivity needs of their organizations. Companies need to be profitable. Associations need members. Nonprofits need donations. People need safety, security, and purpose. Opportunities for great conversations abound. Yet change also brings a need to have difficult ones.

At some point during your leadership tenure, you will have to lead a difficult conversation. As with my physical fitness travails, having a process (or model) to follow and practice implementing will, over time, enable you to develop your muscle for having these kinds of conversations.

The process I find most effective for having difficult conversations is the SBIR model. Adhering to the four tenets of SBIR serves well in professional and personal conversations. The SBIR model involves addressing during the conversation:

• Situation: The situation in which you observed (or heard, or heard about) the person doing something that you need to discuss.
• Behavior: What the person did and/or said – actions – that can be changed or learned. This may include a person’s attitude that manifests itself through their actions. Always remember to address behaviors rather than personalities or personal qualities.
• Impact: How did (or does) the person’s behavior impact or influence you, your team, other people, and the organization? If this is a personal situation, how does their behavior impact friends, neighbors, family, or other groups?
• Response: Elicit the other person’s perspectives, thoughts, feelings, or​ reasoning behind their behavior. Listen and seek to understand.  

After addressing the above, move to identify the change or correction you seek and offer the help or resources that may be available for the person to implement the change. Keep in mind that you cannot change other people; they must be open and willing to change. You can only create the environment, offer support, and encourage the change. You can also communicate the implications of not changing or correcting behaviors, which leads back through the SBIR model more punitively.

Practice this process as you engage in upcoming difficult conversations. With practice, your muscle for leading such conversations will grow and – over time – become a well-hone aspect of your leadership competencies.

What difficult conversations are you having to have in our current fast-changing work environment? Let us know.